The Forever Decision by Paul Quinnett   Chapter 13

THEY WON’T LOVE IF YOU’RE GONE EITHER

If you are not living with your parents now, maybe you don't need to read this chapter. Those I want to talk to mostly are young people still living at home. The reason I want to talk to them is that, in many ways, they are more trapped, more locked in, and maybe feeling more hopeless than those of us who are out in the world on our own.

At the risk of having parents who might read this chapter get angry with me, I'm going to say what I have to say and let the consequences be damned. My first obligation in writing this book is to the person who is thinking about taking his or her own life not to anyone else. So here goes.

As I have said before, I can't know what you're up against. I don't know what kind of parents you have. But I do know a few things about families. And I know a few things about the kind of families in which people begin to think about suicide.

To begin with our families are supposed to be the place where we can go to feel secure and loved and respected. When the world is against us, or we are failing or feeling pushed or threatened, it is to our families we are supposed to turn for support and understanding. Families are supposed to be our port in a storm, our place to go when we have nowhere else to turn. But some of us know this ain't necessarily so!

A boy I knew attempted to hang himself. The rope he tried to use broke and he did not die. On hearing of this, his father said, "Hell, he can't even do that right!"

A mother brought her daughter to the emergency room after the girl had taken several dozen aspirin tablets in an effort to die. "She didn't mean it,” the mother told the doctor. "It was an accident. She just didn't know what she was doing. She certainly didn't mean to harm herself. Don't worry, after I take her home I'll see to it she doesn't try something like that again. Lord knows we didn't teach her to act like that! I'll ground her for a month!"

Are these loving parents? Probably. Do they know what to do with their suicidal child? Probably not.

As upset as these parents were, each of them did something parents often do when they've had the wits scared out of them - they blamed the victim. It happens all the time. If you think that by trying suicide you are suddenly going to have loving parents, you might be wrong. You might get their attention and your parents may decide that something is wrong, but there is a good chance that what they will do is decide that something is wrong with you - not them.

Parents Are Not Perfect
For what it's worth, I believe that some adults simply do not know how to be good and loving parents. Maybe their own parents were not good and loving people and they never had a chance to learn how to be decent parents themselves. They certainly don't have colleges where people who want to be parents can go and get training in how to be good parents. Most parents try to be good at their jobs but, let's face it, they don't all get As in how they raise their children.

So let's talk a little about parents. First, even though our parents start out to be the most important people in our lives, they don't stay that way. Sooner or later, we come to need them less and less. As we grow up, we find our friends more and more important until, one day, we fall in love with someone and go off and start families of our own. Our families are the starting line in life, not the finish line. Sometimes it helps to remember that while they are our parents, it isn't like we got to pick them.

Immature Parents
I have met lots of moms and dads who were, except for their age, not much older than their children. Emotionally they were still teenagers. They acted immature and self-centered and generally put their own needs before those of their children. When their children needed love and understanding, they just couldn't give it, or didn't know how.

So at least one thing you might think about is whether or not your parents even know how to give you what you need. Just because you need them to love and understand you doesn't mean they can or even know how to.

Sometimes our parents were no more than children when they had us. They had dreams and plans and hopes to do something with their lives and, for lots of reasons, maybe they never got to do these things. So they are frustrated. You and your brothers and sisters started coming along and, before they knew it, they had a family and bills and obligations, and their dreams, however badly they wanted to see them come true, began to disappear.

As sad as it is, some parents blame their children for their own unhappiness. They say, "If I hadn't had you, I could have been..." and you can fill in the blanks. Just between me and you, this is a heavy load. And an unfair one. To my way of thinking each of us is responsible, in large part, for our own happiness. If we don't live our dreams and push for the things we want and take control of our own futures, then we don't have anyone to blame but ourselves. It is just not right or fair to blame our children for our own shortcomings. But that doesn't mean parents don't do it.

What I want you to understand is that while your parents may blame you for their unhappiness, you don't have to buy it. You don't, as I've seen many kids do, have to accept their blaming you for making their lives miserable.

Because if you do accept this blame, what can you do? Run away? Stop eating food and wearing clothes? Get out of the picture? If you are the one who is holding them back from their dreams and making them unhappy, then maybe the thing to do is to relieve them of this burden (you) and kill yourself.

Maybe you have thought, "If I just killed myself, my mother could be happy. She could go back to school and do all the things she says she wants to do. I'm just in the way."

Let me suggest something to you. What if I told you that your mother's happiness is her job, not yours? What if I told you that even if you killed yourself, she would probably not be happy and, in fact, she would be more unhappy. Because now, in addition to whatever other failures she has had, your killing yourself makes her a complete failure as a mother.

Even though parents may say things that make you feel like you are a burden to them, it doesn't necessarily follow that if you exit the scene, they are suddenly going to grow up and take responsibility for their own happiness. If I had to bet on what they would do after your suicide, it would be that they would simply find someone else to blame for why they don't live up to their dreams.

Killing yourself to get out of the way is no solution to your parents' unhappiness. Their unhappiness is their problem, not yours.

Angry Parents
The lack of love and understanding from immature parents is one kind of pain a child sometimes has to live with, but there is something worse. Sometimes your parents are angry and hostile and openly fight with each other. Sometimes they seem to be at war with one another and they may even hit each other. There is name-calling and swearing. There may even be threats to kill each other. Or one parent may threaten suicide to get back at the other. A kid caught in a family where violence is present or violence is threatened is in a very tough spot and it isn't hard to understand how such a child may begin to think about getting out of the war zone by the suicide escape route.

In families like this it is very difficult to grow up. Sometimes these kinds of parents don't want you to grow up. Sometimes they need you there, right in the middle, to help them buffer the fights.

Sometimes your father may come to you and ask that you side with him against your mother. Or the other way around. These are terrible choices and no one should be forced to make them, but that doesn't change things. If you are caught in a family like this and thinking about suicide, you need to know that you are not alone. All kinds of kids caught in families like this think about suicide as a way out.

One of the things that happens to kids caught in angry families like this is that the parents may say, "If it wasn't for the kids, I'd leave!" Or, "If it wasn't for these damned kids, I would have left you years ago!"

When you hear this what do you think?

What you think is that you're standing in the way of what they say they want. They say they want their freedom and you are their ball and chain. You start feeling like a fifth wheel or a third thumb. You start wondering what you can do to solve their problems.

For good reason, lots of kids begin to assume that they are the source of their parents' problems with each other and that, if they simply got out of the picture, their parents would be able to be happy and be back in love with each other. What's worse, the parents let them think this way.

Sharon was a seventeen-year-old girl whose parents sent her to see me because she was having trouble at school. She was feeling panicky and couldn't concentrate. Always a good student, she was failing three classes. She was having trouble getting to sleep. The last child of three, she was the only one still at home.

Because her problems seemed to be getting worse and worse, she had begun to think that maybe she should kill herself.

"Why do you think you should kill yourself?" I asked her.

"Because it would solve everything."

"What things?"

"Everything."

"Like what?"

"I could get out,” said Sharon. "I could get out for good."

"Get out of what?"

"School. Home."

I knew that Sharon had been a good student. She had been active in sports and was on the debating team. She had always liked school. "Tell me about what's happening at home,” I suggested.

Sharon started to cry.

Then she told me the story. Her father had been having an affair with another woman and, about three months earlier, her mother had found out about it. There had been a terrible fight. There was no hitting, but her mother had threatened to kill herself if her father didn't stop seeing the other woman. Sharon had overheard them quarreling one night. She had heard her mother say, "If it wasn't for Sharon, I'd kill myself." And her father had said, "Don't let that stop you!" And her mother said, "Oh, I wouldn't do it right now. I'll wait until she goes away to college."

In front of Sharon her parents acted as if nothing was wrong. They went on with their family life and pretended that everything was fine. But of course everything was not fine. Sharon, being a good kid and wanting nothing more than her parent's happiness, did what any kid would do: she began to think about what she could do to keep her mother alive.

One of the things she decided to do was not go away to college. She reasoned that as long as she stayed home her mother would not kill herself. In doing this, she was making herself a prisoner. All she had to do was sacrifice her happiness, her future, and her life. But the plan was not working. And because it was not working, she had begun to think of suicide.

I asked Sharon what she had hoped to major in at college. "Psychology,” she said. Then she smiled. "I guess I want to be able to help them."

“You're already helping them,” I said, "you're just not getting paid."

I knew I had the wrong patient in my office and told Sharon so. Then I called her parents and asked them to come in. In time we were able to work everything out and the family stayed together. Sharon went away to college the next year and no one had to die by suicide.

The point of Sharon's story is that, like a lot of other kids caught between their parents, she had come to believe that she alone was responsible for keeping them together and, in Sharon's case, for keeping her mother alive.

Dying for Attention
Margie was eighteen when I first met her. She was pretty and small and had long blonde hair. Even though it was summertime she wore a long-sleeved blouse. She wore long sleeves year-round. Long sleeves helped cover the scars on her wrists, of which she had several.

For most of her young life, Margie had been unhappy. Her mother had divorced her father when she was ten and, as many single parents do, her mother had begun dating other men in hopes of finding someone with whom to share her life. But her mother's search had been unsuccessful and, she too, was unhappy. Margie's mother began to drink and spend weekends away from the apartment with her dates. Margie was left alone and, neglected and ignored, she began to wonder if her mother really loved her. She began to wonder that if she were not in the picture, would her mother find another husband.

"The first time I cut myself was on a Sunday morning,” she said. "I must have been about twelve. Mother had been gone since Friday night and I didn't know where she was. When she finally came home, she found me bleeding."

"What happened then?" I asked.

"Oh, she got very upset. She cried and said she loved me and that she would never leave me alone again."

"Did she?"

"Yes. It only lasted a couple of weeks. She bought me some new clothes and took me out for pizza. But then she started going out again and staying away for the weekends."

"What did you hope would happen when you cut yourself?"

"I don't know,” said Margie, "I guess I hoped she would stay home and be with me. Or just care about me. But she's so wrapped up in her own life. It's like I don't exist."

"Did you want to die?"

Margie thought a moment. "I guess so. At least I didn't want to live anymore."

Margie had cut her wrists several times, each time a little deeper and a little more seriously. And each time her mother came home to find her bleeding, there were hugs and kisses and promises that things would be better. But these promises didn't last.

Margie and her mother were caught in a suicide game, a game in which one person has to threaten to kill herself in order to get the other person to pay some attention and prove that, indeed, she loves her.

This is a dangerous game in which there are never any winners. Eventually, everyone loses. I don't know why or how a parent could be so wrapped up in her own life as to ignore a child who needs attention and love and time and understanding, but such parents are a fact of life and, if you happen to have one, then you need to know that you are not alone. Since your parent may not be able to give you the love and time you need, you may have to be the one who has to be tolerant and understanding and, in a way, more mature.

If You Think They Don't Love You
I can't know if your parent or parents, down deep, really love you. Maybe you can't tell either. Chances are they do. But I do know this: threatening to take your life or making an attempt to kill yourself will not bring you any proof of their love. Yes, attempting to kill yourself will get their attention. Yes, attempting suicide will wake them up to the fact that something is wrong.

But attempting to kill yourself will not necessarily lead to any permanent changes. And there is a big risk here. It is quite possible that if you attempt to kill yourself your parents will love you less, not more. If you try to kill yourself and fail, they may be angry with you. They may be frightened of you. They may not want to leave you alone for fear you will try again. And, of this I am sure, they will resent the way you have tried to make them prisoners.

Prisoners?

Yes. When you attempt to kill yourself to get someone's attention or to get someone to say she loves and cares for you, you have used the most powerful weapon any of us can ever use - and that weapon is your life. If you are willing to die to get what you want, then you stand a very good chance of getting some of what you want. You will get attention. You will get people to listen. But they will do so not because they suddenly discovered they love you, but because they are afraid of losing you or of being disgraced if you kill yourself.

So what, really, have you done? Have you not said, "If you won't love me, I will kill myself!"

If you do this, the people you do it to will feel threatened and trapped. They will feel that you have taken them prisoner. They will feel that if they do not do exactly what you want them to do, then you will kill yourself and they will be to blame. It is an emotional prison without bars you have put them in, but a prison all the same.

Once you have put your parents (or anyone else) in such a prison one thing is sure to happen. Even though they may not be able to admit it, they are going to start to dislike you. They may even come to hate you for the way you are controlling them by your threats to kill yourself. And no one likes to be controlled.

Not long ago I heard of a boy whose mother was threatening to leave home and divorce his father. The boy told his mother that if she did that he would kill himself. He said this many times. And, each time he said it, his mother would waver in her decision to leave. Then, after threatening to kill himself one more time if his mother moved out, she became angry and said, "Why don't you stop talking about it and go ahead and do it! It won't change my mind."

The boy killed himself that same night.

The end of this story is not happy either. Right after the funeral, the mother moved out - just as she had planned.

So what I want you to think about is that no matter how badly you may need love and understanding from your parents, threatening to kill yourself won't get them. If anything, your threats may only make things worse. Secondly, if you have come to believe that your parents' marriage will somehow be saved if you die, you will be making a big and permanent mistake. They may need help, but your death is not the help they need.

The last thing I want to tell you about is that, at least in some families, you may be expected to kill yourself. Your parents may not say in so many words, "Why don't you just kill yourself,” but they may, by their actions, suggest that the family would be just as well off if you weren't there.

I know how unlikely this sounds, but I have seen it more than once.

Tom was eleven years old when his Uncle John died by suicide. It was a family tragedy and made a powerful impression on him. Later, when Tom was in high school his father had become angry at him for bringing home poor grades. "You're a loser just like your Uncle John,” his father had said, "and you know what he did!"

Hurt and upset, Tom interpreted this to mean that he, too, should take his own life rather than fail in school. And while he hadn't actually tried to kill himself, not a day had gone by since his father's statement that he hadn't thought about it.

I don't know whether Tom's father knew what impact his comparing Tom to an uncle who killed himself had had on Tom, but the effect on Tom had been devastating. It was as if he had been given a death sentence. Each time Tom's father was angry with him for anything, Tom immediately thought of killing himself.

I don't know if Tom's father really wanted him dead and out of the picture. I doubt it. But then maybe he did. It would not be impossible. Some parents have, in fact, wished their children dead. But the thing to remember is that parents can say and do things that, if they would stop to think about the impact of their words or actions, they might regret. Even if they do not regret them and mean what they say, it is still their problem, not yours!

Finally, I want you to know this: Once you are born you have a right to life - as much right as anyone else. The law says so and everyone who upholds the law will do everything within his or her power to see to it that you keep your rights to life. No one, not even your parents, can take those rights away from you.

So, if by chance you have been born into a family where your parents really don't want you or where they don't know how to love you or where you have come to believe that you have to die to please someone or to make someone happy, then please remember these things:

You are the one who counts most. You are not so much the child of your parents as you are the product of life itself.

You are the world that is to be. As I said in the beginning, they won't love you when you're gone, either.